Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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