Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
