Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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