this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
