Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
