fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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