My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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