Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
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