Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Randomize
