My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i think my mom watched the whole time
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
