There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
