look no pants
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize