Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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