I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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