I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
