sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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