Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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