I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
If I die, sorry about rent.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
