remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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