Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm getting married
To pizza
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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