Will you blow on my dice?
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
