I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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