Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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