so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize