I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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