im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
MIDGETS
????
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
