I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
