I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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