all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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