Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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