I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
