we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
