So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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