I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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