she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
