Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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