life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
she looked like the before picture.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
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