i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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