No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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