I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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