Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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