I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
