You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
