we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
They have beer where we have blood.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
