idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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