I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
