dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
