yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
