after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
