he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
