Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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