i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Your penis caused this!
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
