a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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