I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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