You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize