Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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