I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
