You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
