Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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