it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
