i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
