I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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